From Terrified to Trailblazer: My Unexpected Journey into the Swinger Scene

From Terrified to Trailblazer: My Unexpected Journey into the Swinger Scene

 

Ever wondered how someone becomes a "swinger expert"? Trust me, my path wasn't paved with instant confidence and effortless connections! In this raw and honest interview, I'm peeling back the curtain on my own unexpected dive into ethical non-monogamy and the swinger lifestyle. This content was taken from an interview I did recently with a journalist writing for a popular womens magazine here in the UK. 

 

Could you share with me briefly your personal experience of moving from a monogamous relationship to embracing ethical non-monogamy and the swinger lifestyle? How did you initially go about finding other couples to play with? How did you balance the fear and excitement as sure both are at play?!

 

Initially, I was terrified. I remember sitting there saying, I could never be a swinger; I'd be far too jealous! Moving from monogamy to ethical non-monogamy felt like stepping into the unknown. Despite identifying as bisexual, the fear of jealousy, relationship breakdown, and sheer unfamiliarity was overwhelming. Our first attempt involved a swingers dating website and a 'vanilla' date with a similar-aged couple. But it felt alien, nerve-wracking; I was incredibly shy. Fear definitely outweighed excitement at that point. However, curiosity drove me. I wanted to explore my sexuality and see if we could navigate this without destroying our relationship. I was desperate to find a way to make it work. So, even amidst the fear, that curiosity pushed me to keep searching, to keep learning, and to slowly, tentatively, explore the possibilities.

  

Do you remember your first party – how did you feel before/ after?

 

Oh, my first party... it's etched in my memory! I was utterly overwhelmed, completely out of my depth. Imagine stepping into a world that felt completely alien – a room filled with couples who were older, more affluent, and seemingly so much more experienced than myself. I was in my early twenties, and honestly, I was terrified. The fear was palpable. I was so anxious about talking to anyone, convinced I was being silently judged. I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin, second-guessing every outfit choice. My mind was racing with worst-case scenarios: I'd leave the party, my relationship would be shattered, I'd be alone and heartbroken. It was a whirlwind of anxiety. But the reality? It was nothing like my catastrophic projections. We ended up swapping with another couple, and although I wasn't sure I was entirely ready, it wasn't the traumatic experience I'd built up in my head. In fact, it was... surprisingly okay. I left feeling a strange mix of relief and mystification. It was like a lightbulb moment: 'Ah, so there's another way to do relationships, to experience intimacy.' It was the beginning of a whole new understanding for me. 

     

How often do you go to swingers events?

 

I used to attend swinger clubs and events every weekend, but these days, I find that I'm so wrapped up in the world of the lifestyle that I sometimes want to do other activities on weekends. Plus, my personal situation is different now. Once a month or once every other month, it is easy to balance, anything more than that and its a chore. 

 

You mention on your website the stigma associated with the swinging lifestyle, how do you deal with that? Are you open about your lifestyle choice with everybody?

 

Absolutely, the stigma surrounding the swinging lifestyle is real, and I encounter it regularly, primarily through comments on my social media content. Misconceptions and misjudgments about those exploring alternative relationship dynamics are, unfortunately, common. Initially, those negative interactions would upset me. However, I quickly realised that for every critical comment, there are ten positive ones – people thanking me for sharing my story and being open. That shift in perspective was crucial. I've come to understand that facing judgment is part and parcel of operating within any niche, especially one as potentially controversial as this. If you choose to be a swinger lifestyle expert, you must also choose to accept the criticism that comes with it. I remind myself that my work is highly specialised; people don't stumble upon me by accident.

 

At times, I find it strange that people comment on unpleasant things about my work, because obviously they didn't find me by chance. It may be those who are hostile that need help the most. But it's easier to be hostile, right? As for being open about my lifestyle, yes, I am. I'm proud of what I do and who I am. While I understand the potential for judgment, I believe that transparency is essential in breaking down stigmas and fostering understanding. I've found that authenticity is the most powerful tool I have.

 

For a woman reading this and interested in investigating this different approach to relationships, what would your advice be? Where should she start?

 

If you're a woman curious about exploring ethical non-monogamy, my first piece of advice is to really dissect the common belief that love and sex are inextricably linked. Successful navigation of this lifestyle often requires understanding that they can be separate experiences. It's also vital to embrace your individuality, to acknowledge and celebrate your own desires and sexuality. Recognising that you're an individual with your own needs, separate from your partner, is incredibly liberating. It's okay to want different things, and it's okay to explore those desires.

 

A great starting point is to acknowledge your fears and worries. What scares you? What concerns you? What makes you feel uncomfortable? Instead of pushing those feelings aside, use them as a guide. Establishing your boundaries early on is crucial. For many women, knowing their limits provides both comfort and a sense of liberation. It's about creating a safe space for yourself, where you feel empowered to explore on your own terms. Start by having honest conversations with yourself and your partner, and remember, there's no rush. Take your time, and prioritise open communication and mutual respect. To begin exploring, consider looking at reputable swinger dating websites or using relevant hashtags on social media to find local clubs or swinger social events. These online and social avenues can provide a starting point for connecting with like-minded individuals and couples.

 

I'm off to Hedonism with Killing Kittens next week, but I'm also interested in learning more about private sex parties in people's homes. I've read your article debunking the myth about car keys in a pot. For those of us who, like me, have never attended one, it seems so high risk and baffling.  What can you tell me about those sorts of more intimate parties?

 

Absolutely, I understand how private sex parties in people's homes can seem baffling and high-risk. While they might appear less structured than clubs, there are still unspoken rules and etiquette that ensure everyone has an enjoyable and safe experience. Just like any other swinger event, you're never expected to do anything you don't want to do. Even in a more relaxed atmosphere, consent is paramount, and you should never feel pressured. The vibe is definitely more intimate and often more intense than a club setting. Some people thrive in that environment, enjoying the deeper connections and personalised interactions. Others prefer the anonymity and energy of a club.

 

A private party can be very immersive, and that level of intimacy isn't for everyone. It's a different kind of experience, and it's all about finding what resonates with you. Ultimately, whether you prefer the buzz of a club or the intimacy of a private gathering, the most important thing is that you feel comfortable and respected.

 

By very definition, they must be very private, so I'm wondering how the word gets around and how people know the party etiquette. How do you find out about them/ get invited?

 

You're right, by their very nature, private parties operate on a level of discretion, which can make them seem mysterious! They're not advertised in the mainstream, so word gets around within the swinger community itself. You'll often find them mentioned on reputable swinger websites, and attending swinger clubs and social events is another key way to learn about them. As you get to know other couples, you'll naturally hear about upcoming gatherings.

 

Someone might casually mention, "We're going to so-and-so's party next month," or you might receive a direct invitation from a couple who're planning to attend. These parties are very much based on personal recommendations and connections. Even those advertised online often involve a screening process. The organisers may want to meet you beforehand to gauge whether you would be a good fit. This helps ensure a comfortable and respectful atmosphere for everyone involved. It's extremely rare to just show up at a private party. The emphasis is on building trust and creating a safe space, so personal connections and vetting are essential. ·    

 

What happens when you first get there? Are there still ground rules even though not a formal event?

 

Even though private swinger parties are more relaxed than clubs, there are definitely unwritten ground rules and etiquette practices that contribute to a positive experience for everyone. When you first arrive, it's crucial to establish connections. Take the time to introduce yourself, chat with other guests, and get a feel for the atmosphere. Building rapport is essential for comfort and trust. Conversations about limits and boundaries are also vital. Don't hesitate to openly discuss what you're comfortable with and what you're not. This includes safe sex practices. Discussing these matters upfront ensures everyone is on the same page and respects each other's needs. Clarifying where play can and cannot happen is also important.

 

Hosts typically designate specific areas for intimate activities and mark off-limits areas. Respecting these boundaries is essential for maintaining a sense of order and comfort. It's also normal to have conversations about experience levels. Some couples may be new to the lifestyle, while others are more experienced. Discussing this helps establish expectations and prevent misunderstandings. Even though it’s not a formal event, remember that consent is still paramount. Just because it's a private party doesn't mean anything goes. Check in with your partner and other participants regularly, and never assume anything. Effective communication is key to ensuring that everyone has a safe and enjoyable time. ·

 

What sort of people/ couples do you usually find at these events?

 

You'll find a real mix of people at private swinger parties, and it largely depends on the specific theme or focus of the gathering. Some parties cater to niche interests, whether it's a particular type of play, a specific relationship dynamic, or even a certain demographic. However, a typical, general party usually consists of around 4 to 6 couples, and perhaps a few single men or women. Experience levels can vary significantly, from those new to the lifestyle to seasoned veterans. It's the host's responsibility to curate the guest list, ensuring a good mix and a comfortable atmosphere for everyone. This is precisely why many hosts prefer to meet potential attendees beforehand, to get a sense of their personalities and ensure the dynamics are right. They want to create a space where everyone feels welcome and can enjoy themselves. · 

 

How does the partner swapping/ swinging actually occur? How do you ensure you don't offend/ overstep the mark?

 

Partner swapping, or swinging, can take many forms, from soft swapping, which might involve kissing or sensual touching with another person while your partner is present, to full swapping, which involves sexual intercourse with another partner. Regardless of the type of play, the most crucial element is open communication and mutual consent. Before any intimacy occurs, establishing rapport is essential. This involves getting to know the other couples or individuals, chatting, and creating a comfortable atmosphere. Then, everyone should have the opportunity to openly discuss their rules and boundaries. This includes everything from specific acts they're comfortable with to safe sex practices. By clearly outlining these limits, everyone involved can ensure they're being respectful and considerate.

 

Establishing rules and boundaries is not just about protecting yourself; it's also about showing respect for your partner. It demonstrates that you value their comfort and are committed to creating a safe and enjoyable experience for both of you. This level of communication and respect is fundamental to successful swinging. It prevents misunderstandings, minimises the risk of offence, and ensures that everyone feels safe and respected.

 

What have been some of the best parties you're been to?

 

Some of the best have been at Le Boudior in London, the Townhouse in Wirral and Cupids in Manchester. I have also attended private BDSM and swinging parties, which have been most enjoyable! 

 

Any strange/ funny moments?

 

Oh, absolutely, there are always some memorable moments! One that sticks out was years ago at Le Boudoir. I'd taken off my glasses, thinking I looked better without them, but when I returned from the bathroom, I was met with a sea of men, all bathed in deep purple light, and all wearing pale blue shirts! It was a bizarre 'uniform' of jeans and pale blue shirts, and I couldn't for the life of me find my partner. That experience definitely sparked an idea, and I ended up writing a blog article on what men should wear to swinging clubs!

 

And then there was the time I decided to take the tube into central London dressed in my swinger outfit, with a big coat thrown over the top and, of course, 'stripper heels.' Never again! I have no idea what I was thinking. After that, it was taxis all the way!

 

How do you feel at/ after one of these parties?

 

Ah, the emotional rollercoaster of a swinger party! I've truly experienced the full spectrum. There are moments of absolute liberation, an overwhelming sense of pleasure, and the exhilarating thrill of being the centre of attention. Most experiences are incredibly positive, leaving me feeling exhilarated and amazed at the possibilities. One particular memory stands out: I was completely naked, save for my thigh-high boots. It was a moment of profound liberation, intensely erotic, and I felt supremely confident in my own body. That feeling of unrestrained confidence, in a space where I could fully express myself, was incredible.

 

I'm not a model, I don't have a 'perfect' figure, but in that moment, there was no inhibition, no shame, just pure acceptance and joy. Afterwards, I often feel a sense of accomplishment, a deep contentment, and genuine happiness. It's truly amazing to know that one night, you can unleash your inner sexual goddess, and the next, you can be perfectly content at home, making tea with your family and sorting the laundry. That ability to move seamlessly between those two worlds, to embrace all facets of myself, is incredibly empowering.

 

Do you usually attend with your partner?

 

We have attended a few events together, yes, but I have also attended female-only parties alone-with his consent, of course.   

 

Why do you think sex parties of all shapes and sizes are having such a moment in the lives of midlife women?

 

I believe sex parties are resonating so strongly with midlife women right now because we're living in a time of unprecedented freedom and self-expression. In the UK, particularly, women are embracing the ability to be whoever they want to be. The scene has evolved dramatically; it's no longer a male-dominated space exclusively for heterosexual couples. We're seeing a vibrant array of parties – female-only, bisexual-only, parties for big beautiful women, and trans-inclusive events. This inclusivity is a huge draw.

 

Furthermore, I think women are finally giving themselves permission to acknowledge and explore their own fantasies, desires, wants, and needs, independent of their partners or the traditional roles they play. Yes, they may be mothers, wives, girlfriends, or even grandmothers, but they're also sexual beings. They're realising that embracing their sexuality doesn't have to negatively impact their existing lives; they can seamlessly integrate these different facets of themselves. And, of course, society's increasing comfort with discussions about sexuality and identity is a significant factor. We're more open and honest about these topics than ever before, which creates a more welcoming environment for exploration.

 

Is it tied to women at this point in their lives wanting to prioritise their own desires after years of putting others first? Something of the Babygirl movement, where midlife women are rewriting the script and owning their sexual sides?

 

Absolutely, I believe the 'Babygirl' is a powerful metaphor for what's happening with midlife women and their exploration of sex parties. It's a symbolic reclaiming of their sexual selves. For years, many women have prioritised the needs of others – children, partners, careers – often putting their own desires on the back burner. Now, they're saying, 'It's my turn.' They're embracing the understanding that they can be both caregivers and powerfully sexual beings, and that those aspects of themselves are not mutually exclusive.

 

In your experience is it more single women/ divorcees/ couples looking for excitement?

 

In my experience, there's a wonderfully diverse mix of women drawn to the lifestyle, each with their own unique set of challenges, fears, expectations, and desires. I work with single women, divorcees, and women in couples, and I've found that each group brings a distinct perspective. For single women, it's often a specific type who decides to explore swinging. Many have had a taste of it in a previous relationship, perhaps a threesome or a visit to a swinger club, but lacked the confidence or supportive partner to delve deeper.

 

When they find themselves single, they see it as an opportunity for personal exploration. They're typically curious, sexually aware, and prioritise safety, respect, and the potential impact on their lives. They often seek reassurance and a judgment-free space to discuss their interests, as they may feel judged in their traditional social circles. Women in relationships, on the other hand, often grapple with different anxieties. They might wonder if they're becoming 'boring,' if they're 'too old,' or if being a mother is a barrier. They might fear feeling guilty afterwards or worry that their desire to explore stems from not satisfying their partner. Ultimately, they're looking to maintain and strengthen their relationships. A common thread is the liberating feeling of being 'seen' in a swinger environment, of feeling desired and appreciated in a way that can be very empowering."

 

 Are you getting more enquiries from mid-life women for your coaching services?

 

I've definitely seen a significant increase in inquiries from midlife women for my coaching services. When I first began, I admit I had a rather narrow vision. I naively assumed my clientele would primarily be couples my own age, looking to dip their toes into the lifestyle. What I quickly discovered was that my reach extended far beyond my initial expectations. I'm contacted by people from all over the world, and couples of all ages. However, a recurring theme has emerged: midlife women are a significant portion of my clientele. These are women who have raised families and are now finding themselves in a position to explore other facets of their lives. They're often looking to rekindle the spark in their long-term relationships, to connect more deeply with their partners, and to finally bring those shared fantasies to life. It's incredibly rewarding to help them navigate this exciting chapter.

 

Rosie x