Hi Rosie, I don’t feel I can be intimate with men other than my husband when swinging- help!

Hi Rosie, I don’t feel I can be intimate with men other than my husband when swinging- help!

POV: You feel unsure of your involvement in the swinger lifestyle. You feel pressure to perform when you talk about the lifestyle to your partner. You don’t want to sign yourself up for something you are not 100% on board with!

Why? Sometimes, we find ourselves in overwhelming situations, and even if we are initially on board with something, we can soon lose sight of what we want to experience if we do not have the confidence or ability to speak up. Sometimes, we are unsure how we want to get involved, but we do want to be involved! At times we are scared that if we give our partners a ‘green light’ we will be part of something we are not ready for.

We might be scared of rejection from our partners, causing an argument or possible resentment from them, so it’s far easier for us to stay quiet. I often find that the partner who first suggested swinging (usually the man) finds it far easier to form their own ideas about the lifestyle than the partner (usually the woman) who didn’t suggest it. When this happens, it is usually left for the man to do all the ‘work’, but when the woman feels excluded, she feels unable to speak up.

Also, there are times when men can take the slightest bit of enthusiasm as a green light and, without the woman’s input, decide things on her behalf. This green light enthusiasm isn’t always the man’s fault, and couples need to understand that it takes two people’s input to have a successful swinger relationship.

If you can relate to any of the above, I want to reassure you that you are not alone. And in this post, I will be diving into a question that I received recently here at thiskindagirl, I don’t feel I can be intimate with men other than my husband when swinging- help! And what can you do if, like the sender, the thought of having penetrative sex with other men is actually a turn-off?

What to do instead? Have the confidence to share your concerns and learn how to move forward in your relationship. Understand how to slow the process down and how to respond when you feel your partner is getting too intense. Learn how to listen to one another and find solutions. Understand that we are individuals in relationships with individual desires.

'I don’t feel I can be intimate with men other than my husband when swinging- help!'

‘I don’t want full-on sex with other men, so what role do I play? Am I able to enjoy a diled-down version? Or have I got to go the whole hog? I don’t feel I can be intimate with men other than my husband?’

It’s okay. I hear you, and I want to reassure you that you do not have to ‘do’ anything you do not want to do, and part of the reason you feel this way in the first place is that men and women view ethical non-monogamy very differently. It may well be that you are happy to support your husband or partner and explore the lifestyle together but reserve certain intimacies within your relationship or that you choose to explore bisexuality or soft swinging and bring this dynamic to your relationship.

It’s so easy to see why many women fear they have to be intimate with other men or feel pressured to ‘couple swap’, but if this doesn’t feel right for you, then that’s perfectly fine too; just be sure to establish your limits and boundaries and verbalise them to potential play partners before you start playing, to avoid getting involved in something you are not on board with. It may be that after communicating your limits and boundaries to others, you realise that maybe they are not right for you; if this is the case, then simply say, ‘Thanks, but I don’t think I want to experience that right now’ and move on!

Learning how to slow the process down and start moving at a pace that both parties feel comfortable with isn’t easy, especially if one party has been racing ahead whilst the other hasn’t been interested. One concern for many men is that some feel that if they didn’t take the reins with the swinger lifetsyle, there would be no involvement whatsoever, so they feel like they are the only ones responsible.

But this approach only works occasionally; without direction, the man can move at a pace the woman feels uncomfortable with or leads them in a direction she doesnt feel comfortable with- but whose fault is it? BOTH parties are responsible for steering the ship in the right direction. I have often witnessed conflict when the man has gone ‘too far’, but the woman hasn’t said anything until the situation has occurred. Then he is chastised. Instead of this, you need to establish rules and boundaries that support you both and listen to one another fears beforehand.

Instead of taking a back seat, the woman needs time and space to explore swinging on her own terms, without expectation from the man and with him acknowledging and supporting her. Remembering that men and women get involved in the lifestyle for different reasons is really important, as is appreciating that we are individuals on our own journeys. Exploring can take on many forms, such as joining online communities, discord groups or attending female-positive social events for women in the ENM community.

Men who are too pushy or expectant with their partners can create an environment where the woman feels like she HAS to perform, be involved or participate far more than she wants to. This is often too much for some women who feel their only option is to pull the plug on the lifestyle altogether. Set aside time per week to catch up about the lifestyle and discuss how you both feel about it, but without adding pressure. The only way to build up this trust is by our actions aligning with our words. If you say you won’t pressure one another, then make sure your actions display this.

Here are a few top tips you may want to follow:

• You should only ever go as far/fast as the least comfortable person is willing to explore. Expecting too much too soon or placing unrealistic pressures on yourself is going to be detrimental to your relationship.
• There is a big difference between compromise and coercion. A compromise would be for you both to agree to swing but decide to participate only in soft swap until the less confident partner feels ready to take the next step if that is something you both want. If you are willing to compromise with one another and accept each step steadily, you will be building the foundations to become a rock-solid swinger couple.
• Women- you need to be able to speak up about what you do and do not want to experience. Many women view sexual intimacy, such as penetrative sex, as a sacred intimate act and decide to reserve this intimacy for their partner and do not wish to engage sexually with other men in this way.